Being Grateful

Being grateful is probably one of the most annoying phrases I have heard in the past couple of years.

It has always been used by people who have no idea what I have been through, or therapists who look straight through me.

"Be grateful for the little things." They would say.

"How? I don't have an awful lot currently." I would reply in my head, and then nod in front of them. Silently berating myself on the journey home.

My life has never been easy. I was diagnosed with a Cancerous Tumor at the age of 2, had an extensive treatment plan give to me for eighteen months, then went into remission and then tried to live my life as normally as humanely as possible.

Yeah that went really smoothly. Like a car journey with huge potholes.

Living an easy life was out of view. That was never going to happen, lets be honest.

I always remember I envied my friends growing up, because they seemed to have it easier than me. While they could do P.E I had to sit out because of leg pain.

While everyone was moving forward, growing up and having fun, there was me. Years ahead mentally, due to extensive trauma, and holding it all together. Until one day I just could not anymore.

The way I break down is not how most people do. I am fairly certain most people would cry in front of loved ones until they felt better after a long hug. Me? Not so much. I tend to feel an overwhelming surge of emotions, and while I try to pick them out my senses go crazy. Everything is too bright, loud and smells awful. My hands go numb and while I am trying to hold back tears and ground myself, everyone seems involved in the latest gossip. While I excuse myself to the nearest toilets, and run as quickly as possible, I lock the door and cry. The tears just run down my face and before I know it I am on the floor, pissed at how difficult it is to just "be grateful". All I can remember being grateful is picking a toilet stall that has tissue in it.

A family outing? Ruined because something did not go to plan and that triggered me. Day out to visit a University? Nope same thing happened.

Over and over until I gave in just recently. I just laid back on my bedroom floor and reminisced on how similar my fourteen year-old self and I are right now.

All I could hear was my parents muffled talking downstairs while I try to silently cry all my emotions. Picking up tissue after tissue, until the box was empty.

I tried to hide these tricky emotions, because what can I do about them? Deal with them when they get too much? Yeah sure. That is easy.

Even at Christmas I feel like I should be thrilled at the prospect of two weeks off and unlimited social time. But I am not. It just feels too much. In addition, to the numerous health issues that are crippling my body right now.

So when I was tasked of talking to my therapist recently I said "I just don't feel like I get much out of these sessions anymore. Like two years ago I was a completely different person, but now I just don't feel as though much is changing. Maybe it is because I can't find a lot to be positive about, or change my thoughts around my diagnoses because they're ongoing?"

I looked at her in that moment and honestly wanted the ground to swallow me up whole. Everything just seemed too much. Being in college is too much. Going to therapy is too much. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this?

You know what shocked me, she agreed with me. Which has never happened before.

For the first time in my life someone actually agreed with something I said. Not only that, but offered how to move forward.

Which is when a eureka moment happened.

So much of my past is now what I base myself on. The bad class set I was in in Primary School? Now we dedicate hours to being top of the class, because I do not want to be in the position where I have no idea what is going on. The times where I was gas-lighted by people who I thought I knew. What did that lead to? Me becoming an introvert and no liking company of anyone.

The past has dictated my life in many ways. I do not really understand why, but I know it is not the most positive thing to do. My life has become so unstable that I felt safer doing things that I thought were good, which therefore lead to me hating any kind of change.

I will be honest mental health issues are not a piece of cake to deal with. Once you think you have dealt with them, they rear their ugly head again. It is a nightmare I hate with a passion.

And while you have to think about keeping yourself alive for a while, people tend to say the words "Be grateful."

For what?

That I am mentally ill, so unwell that doctors have no idea what is wrong with me, or that my life is reduced dramatically by both these issues?

Sure I am all for being positive, but god time it better than that. I remember being suicidal and being told that "I had nothing to be depressed about.".

All of my life has been constantly contradicted. While I used to run 5km races, there was a ugly surprise in the distance that would change my life.

So where does this lead to?

A big epiphany?

Not really no.

People would always tell me I should be grateful to be alive, because I am so inspiring. While I will take the compliment, I will not necessarily react well to the first comment.

I feel like no matter what I do I am always lead back to the words of "be grateful". As if it is a magic wand to all of my problems.

While it may not fix all of my issues I am grateful for one thing.

Heated Blankets.

Okay but on a serious note here I am grateful for lots of things. That does not mean I have to voice them out loud or declare it to the world. Or validate someone's comment on my health history with the words "I am so grateful doctors pumped with toxic chemicals to kill the tumor inside my adrenal gland.".

Sarcastic? No not in the slightest....

I have lived a life that is not one to idolise. People always use me as a marker saying things like "You're so well behaved, I wish my kids would be like you." or "Gosh you are such an inspiration to everyone.". Which makes me slightly peeved. Why am I being compared to someone else?

Everyone will be guilty of comparing themselves to someone else. I have done it before, but that does not help anyone. By saying these phrases, I feel as though the version people see me as it different from my true self.

I will happily sing from the rooftops who I really am, but people will still claim to know who I am. Their version is usually skewed and faint to the real person I am.

The truth is, no I am not happy about who I am. Yes I wish I was healthier and stopped worrying everyday, but that will never happen. However I will accept this version of me.

The one who's sadistic and sarcastic sense of humor has earned me a place in the darkest pits of hell.

The person who is going to help everyone in my community if it kills me.

The one who is proud to be something that Tories are afraid of.

I am grateful for being a unique person. One who aspires to do well at anything and enjoy the simple things. The person I am is different from what I put out there.

It is a show. Life is one big circus and I am the clown.

I try to make someone of myself, that the past version of me would be happy with. Sure she would be shocked that I use a wheelchair on the daily, go to college and accepted that she is not "so straight" after all.

I am not grateful for these things, I am damn proud.

I am proud that all those years ago I did not end it all.

I am proud that I have become the person I always wanted to be.

Sure it is hard right now, but it always has been.

Life is cruel and wicked. There is no "buts" because it is true. We have all struggled through life, trying to balance what we think is right and wrong. We try to please everyone we meet, because we want to make that good first impression. Then we inevitably go home, cry about draining our social battery and eat Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough.

Yes I speak from experience.

Life has is cons and its pros.

I am not saying you should stop being depressed because that would be awful advice. What I am saying though is that it is okay to not know how to live. We do not get a manual, we are just told to "deal with it". It is really hard. What we should get told is this.

It is okay to feel like utter crap. It is also okay to take as long as you need to recover. A week, month, years. As long as you feel okay by the end of it that is the thing that should matter.

Going forward I want to embrace a more unknown side of me. The more happier side, but we will see how that goes. The one thing I do know is that "I am doing okay for now, and I am happy about that.".

Molly-Tastic Treves