Forgive And Forget

Forgiving and forgetting is something we all have to do day-to-day.

I have had to do it countless times, even when I did not want to.

But I have had a situation recently where I have had to forgive and forget.

And it took longer than expected to get over it.

If you have ever had multiple friends at a time, you will know that sometimes you will grow apart. This is a very natural thing to go through and it will happen at any point in your life. Whether you are young or old.

I have outgrown friends multiple times. So I am used to the hustle and bustle of friends dipping in and out of my life.

The main reason to this is due to my health and problems (Hearing loss, fatigue, etc). I have always known people will want to do things without planning it first. These people will invite me without thinking about my health (Who can blame them?), which will lead me to cancelling at the last minute.

Some got used to it. Others did not.

The latter people then stopped inviting me altogether, and I stayed at home fairly happy with my achievement of getting out of bed that day.

*When you have a chronic problem/s you do have to congratulate yourself when you get out of bed most days.*

But what happens when you do not have many friends? And they all seem to disperse from you. Leaving you with one friend or two.

Well I have the answer.

Most of the time you cannot do anything.

Which, I cannot lie, hurts.

The emotions I have had the most is loneliness, anxiety, guilt and annoyance.

It makes me question myself, inside and out. My mind goes blank and all I can think is: What did I do?

The truth is I/you did nothing wrong. No one did.

Accepting that is the hardest part, because your brain will instantly find every single mistake you every made in front of said person, and point blame to either you or them.

Most times it drove me insane. I guilt tripped myself into thinking I did not deserve any friends, because I though I did something wrong.

Do these sound familiar?

"I was too much for that person."

"Was I too open?"

"I was the problem."

"Did they pretend to like me?"

"What did I do wrong?!"

I thought all of these when I had a recent friend disconnection.

And the worst thing I did was bottle it up for months.

Which was NOT healthy.

It made me annoyed that I could not move on and accept the situation.

The weirdest thing about these situations is that sometimes the person who you have lost touch with, does not even know they have done anything wrong.

Crazy right?!

For ages you could be wracked up thinking your life is over, when they have no clue they have done any wrong doing.

That is what drove me crazy at points, but I tried to ignore those feelings and get on with my life.

I tell you what that made it a bloody nightmare from there on afterwards.

You feel like a piece of you is missing. You have no one to talk to. You feel completely lost.

I felt jealous because people around me had great social lives, so why did I not?

After I took in the health complications I realised why.

Most of my years where fuelled with hospital trips and appointments. even though they exhausted me, they exhausted my friends more!

PLEASE!!!! YOU DO NOT KNOW THE STRESS THAT CAN CONJURE UP INSIDE OF YOU WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT!!!

One of my old friends said that my Anxiety did not exist and hers was much more real.

I have to say I was judging her harshly on the inside.

Most people never knew/know what I am going through because I do not tell them.

The reason why I did not tell them was because I either got one or two responses:

The first being the 'eye sigh'.

The second being the 'over sympathising'.

Both of which I have gotten fed up with over the years.

So I stopped telling people why I could not go out, or why I was sick.

It hurts when you have to do that, but over time I realised who my real friend/s were.

You get used to watching documentaries about hospitals, animals and Brian Cox (God who does not love that man?!).

You also get used to listening to old music, eating junk and writing your own blog.

It helps with the healing process.

It is a distraction.

It makes you realised that not everyone is like that, because true friends ask you what is really going on.

Going through any break-up (Romance or not) is hard. It even harder when you thought that person liked you for you.

But after a few cries and harshly written scribbles on notepads, I realised something:

If you have one friend that is better than none.

Whether that friend of halfway across the world or next door. They should be there for you, as much as you are there for you.

Friends do come and go.

It is hard to forget, I know.

However, it does not last forever.

There are more people out there who should know who you are.

Whether opposites attract, or not.

That is life, and we all go through it.

Sucks like hell, but we all get through it eventually.

And I am sure that I will find that person who is all of the things I can relate to eventually.

It will just take time.

Molly-Tastic Treves