Struggles

Hello everyone!

I know that I have not written on my site in a very long time, but I thought I would come on here and have a little rant.

So unless you live under a rock you will know the COVID-19 has practically made this year null and void. There goes my summer plans :(

I have found the past few months frustrating, especially being away from work, friends and nothing I say will make this any easier. Because I am not a Fairy Godmother!

However, over the past few months of looking at the news and binging too many Netflix shows I have come to a conclusion.

My conclusion is that I do not care anymore.

I worry so much about what people think of me that I have been wasting way too much time on other peoples opinions.

If you are like me you will understand that I/we struggle with people in general, with or without their opinions.

Struggle to make connections, pick up social cues, etc.

However, when I was growing up I used to look at women who dressed in Punk fashion or Vintage clothes and think "I love that on her!", but immediately hate any clothes I wore.

I felt uncomfortable with the prospect of people judging my life for who I am.

I see myself as Molly: the chronically ill, deaf girl who knows "too" much.

Not Molly who is helpful, kind, always has time for people and will be your best friend if you give me Banana Bread.

I always focus on the bad in myself. Lets be honest everyone does.

However it got to a point that I would look in the mirror and hate the reflection. I was repulsed by myself.

I would literally hate my figure, for no reason other than I wanted a "perfect" vision of myself.

But I will say something now.

There is no "perfect".

Perfect for me does not currently exist, therefore I will replace it with "good enough".

I realised how bad my mental health got because I was so focused on other peoples lives, and not my own. I did not realise the damage I was doing to myself.

You may have even seen me earlier this year and thought "she looks fine", but I was not.

Facades can be handy, but not when you are desperate for help.

I can be an excellent liar at times (sorry mum..), but if you really know me you will see when I lie.

Over many years I have aged mentally to the point I do not even feel like I am a teenager, I feel like a middle aged woman who is going through a crisis. Minus the cats and hysterical partner...

I feel lost and useless.

I honestly still think "Who would fall in love with someone like me? I'm too ill to be loved.".

But over the course of a year I have realised what it was like to become a teenager.

A real one.

One who goes into college, studies for six hours a day, socialises and has fun. The glimpse of what I had before the COVID-19 Crisis, was good enough. I was content, just being that one person in a group of friends.

Happy and content.

Until I wanted to be "perfect". I had pressure coming from every direction, telling me to do "better" and do "more".

Let me tell you now I will not be doing that ever again. It hurt me. It hurt knowing some people thought I was not doing enough, for "their" standards.

They do not live with the issues I have on a daily basis. It is enough for a grown adult to cry.

Believe me I know.

They do not experience the pain and frustration I have, knowing "normality" is not really achievable to my standards.

But I know that what I have is good enough.

I am strong, confident and independent. Yes I may suffer more than an "average able-bodied person", but that does not make me different.

At the end of the day are we not all human?

All equal?

Have the same coloured blood?

We should all have the equality we need. Because we are equal.

I have met some people over the past few months, who without hesitation I would take/shoot a bullet for. That is the truth.

That is what being an equal, a good person and a friend is. Minus the criminality...

I remember at the beginning at the year the entirety of social media kept saying "be kind, because you never know what someone is going through". Now all I see if people slating other off because of their opinions.

Please stop throwing insults around, because it may not hurt you but may destroy someone else's life.

Be kind to each other, be an equal human being.

Whatever your belief or opinions. Stop for one minute and think how your actions could hurt someone else.

Because sometimes we cannot control what happens to us, or what we do.

Sometimes we will not admit our problems because we think we are a burden.

Sometimes we are not loved for the way we are.

However, that makes us no different to you.

To end this post I will say one more thing.

I have lived my life. I have made friends I care for. I am passionate about my study options. My opinions are strong, but I respect other people's. I shelter away from people very easily, but once I make a friend I become myself..

I may behave differently to you or be uncomfortable with certain things, but that is what makes me human.

That is was builds up the version of me.

What you see here, online, or out in public is a completely different version of me. Anyone who knows me will speak up to that.

Everyone has a facade, but no all of us use it.

Remember to think before you speak.

And be a decent human being.

Right now we need more of them.

Molly-Tastic Treves