Twenty Deep Breaths

I'm am officially out of hibernation.

It has been four months since my last post on here and honestly it felt like yesterday when I wrote the last post. I had hoped the start to this year would be more beneficial in terms of my mental health, but I was wrong.

January was a blur of very deep and dark thoughts, which trickled into February. Then I had more hospital visits and that led into March. Where we are now.

Honestly the battle I have taken for my mental health is not that much different than a good villain in a storybook. I have always sympathised with them. Someone who people singled out of society, bullied and tormented and refused to acknowledge the good they have done. Being the person I need to be is very different to this so called "mask" that most people know.

I am very aware how much my life has affected other people. I have been a beacon for childhood cancer, deaf children and the LGBTQ+ community. Constantly being told how "inspirational" I am or that "remission must be great", wears you down eventually.

The thing is growing up with all of these additional conditions is not easy. The burden to bear carrying all of these beacons becomes exhausting. But you keep going because people need you to be this piece of hope for them. If I can do something, surely they can to right?

Short answer is no.

Having your childhood mapped out by hospitals and wards makes you tired. Having your childhood being a pivotal role in the advancement for cancer medications makes you weak. Having your childhood be a constant reminder of the very thing you despise is depressing.

There have been eighteen constant years of uphill battles for these causes.

Tackle Neuroblastoma. Stabbed and Dead.

Fight inequality throughout school. Bang, Dead.

Battle for years for correct mental and physical support. Sliced and Dead.

Strut into new units and demand Doctors to listen to me. Stab and Dead.

Pave a way for a new generation of kids going through treatment by being put on medical trials (which altered my body with side affects) and attending events. Shackled and left to rot.

Put up with medical neglect time after time. Shoot and move on.

Finish a battle for someone and start a new one. Pull out the sword and start again.

That is not even all of it, but can you see the mindset I have here?

The battle (figurative and literal) I have been through and continue to is wearing my body out.

And in January it did just that. It broke me and I was rendered incapable to do anything. I thought that my life was not worth anything and could not see how it could better. Really I think eighteen years is good going to keep this all in, but realistically it is not a good thing. I had burnt every available candle I had and got the last part of a wick. Which made me realise two things:

1 - I need help immediately

2 - No normal healthy person would have gone on this long

Which is pretty interesting really. Normally I ignore my brain because it just makes me overthink and worry too much, but I was thinking sensibly for once. Pat on the back for me.

So how did I drag myself out of this pit, you may ask? Did the opposite of what I had done before.

I acknowledged this life I have is not easy, nor should I think it should be. I also had to look at myself in a different light and understand I will be different to what I imagined. Deep down I was appeasing everyone around me, now I was ready to chaotically mess stuff up. Show the world this hunk of bones and flesh was actually who I was. Be a new person and shock a lot of people with my true self.

I challenged myself to make it through each day. Eat, Shower, Read, Eat and Sleep. Repeated over and over until I felt my old self come through again. I then managed to push myself and do more things that I felt my brain would be happy with.

I took control of my life and managed to get myself out of a scary situation. All I needed to do was rest and listen to my body. I have been alive nearly twenty years and I am still learning how to do that.

Alongside all of this, I knew that getting back to myself I needed to find out my interests again. Dive into expanding my plant collecting and making my room have more colour made a world of difference. I act like a new mother with her baby when a new leaf comes through, it is so exciting to me. I also found out I missed playing the Sims, which took a choke-hold on my life for a good six hours one day. Finding these things made me realise what I was missing out on. Fun.

I found pieces of the puzzle I had been missing for years, and managed to save them all. Sure I am still trying to find them all still, but it is better than nothing. This was enabling me to be able to breathe a sigh of relief finally.

I was not someone else's version of Molly, I was Molly.

I was able to recognise the child within me that had to grow up too quick and hold my hand out to her. It made me realise how much I had changed myself in order to "fit in" and that had taken that person away from me. Ripped it and spat it out. Once I found myself it was like giving my inner child a hug and saying "It's okay you can rest now.".

Sure I am aware how much more progress I have to make, but it is a start. And that is better than nothing.

So in order to solidify this more firmly, here is some advice that I am sticking to:

1 - No matter how hard you try to appeal to other people, you will eventually hate yourself for it.

2 - It is okay to show emotions, whether you are in public or not. You are a human on a planet with eight billion other humans, it is bound to be emotional at points.

3 - Allow time to decompress and do what you like

4 - If you don't like someone's opinion: speak up, someone might thank you for it

5 - Nothing is childish or "for children", you want to buy a stuffed animal you do it

6 - Acknowledge you will grow apart/ fall out from people in your life, and that is okay

And finally

7 - Be your own person and make your inner child proud of who you are

Being a human is hard, especially living in this current climate. It is not easy at all, and by taking myself out of this mental cluster for a little while makes life a little easier.

I am well aware that I have lost time with myself over the years, but I hoping to give a glimmer of hope to my younger self today. Make her look at me and think "Damn I turned out like that? Nice!". Tell her about what we have done, what we look like now, how we succeeded at education, where we have been, where we are going to next and how we managed to turn into this person. Her smile would probably light thousands of cities.

All in all I would like to think she would be pretty please this is what we became. It would give her a glimmer of hope in a god awful time.

Note to my younger self: It is tough out here, but there are some great people you will meet that make it a hell of a lot easier. You are going to be a great person one day, trust me: people tell me all of the time.

Molly-Tastic Treves