Catastrophe Time

We are here again.

My favourite time.

Catastrophe time!

Let me enlighten you on a time where my brain shuts down, like a horse who has eaten far too many apples.

I am on half-term from College (hooray for surviving one epic battle!) and I cannot rest.

My hand feels like it is constantly twitching. It feels as if it needs to have a physical distraction to transport me to a relaxing and calm environment. My brain right at this very moment feels overwhelmingly wired. There are too many lose ends in my world.

The first term for me was, and can only be, described as an epic "catastrophe". Now here is the thing: I got called a "great student" more times than I would like to count, but my mental health during this time was starting to crumble. I tried to balance what felt like a million problems, but my balancing act ended up tipping over at the last minute.

The reason for this problem is that I was trying to get off the register for GCSE Maths and English. I had already completed the Level 2 Functional skills over the summer (as they requested), so naturally I thought it would be plain sailing. I was then proved wrong a mere two weeks in.

After a constant battle with my head and a few people, I finally got what I set out to do. However, afterwards I felt the rain of comments such as "you would have been fine", "you are a capable student" and "you could have done it" come towards me like gunfire.

I do think I probably would have been capable, but at what cost?

My mental sanity and well-being?

My physical health, for example severe fatigue, muscular weakness, internal digestion problems and more?

Even with proof from four different hospitals, my hearing of the deaf teacher and my physical symptoms they still tried to push me to my limit. My limit could have been much worse, and still can be to this day. However, no one seemed to listen to me. I felt as if I was talking to a brick wall.

Sometimes I felt as if the problem was me. As I put blame on myself for being too 'weak'. What I mean by this was I thought I gave up too early or was being stupid and that I could cope with two additional subjects being shoved my way when I least expected it.

I am a delicate human being with severe illnesses, but me dropping out was not making me weak or stupid. No matter how many times my brain tells me that. I know for a full scientific fact I was almost on the brink of certain body failure. Even when I told people they chose to ignore me, because they saw what they wanted.

A "model" student.

If she can focus and concentrate, why can other students not?

Maybe because her ever impending doom of fatigue is creeping up her and she is finding a way to cope without you seeing it?

Why is she the only one that seems to listen?

Believe me I try, but with that amount of background noise I most certainly cannot hear you.

The example list could go on. People want me to look good, whereas actually I feel terrible. I cannot keep up an act anymore, I am throwing my energy into something that is not worth it.

The truth is I can barely wake-up most days, eating is rarely on my radar (unless it is covered in at least a kilo of salt), I am in a lot of pain and can just about hear. I am broken.

I will not deny that there have been multiple days where I have wanted to give up and throw it all away, because of this.

However I chose to walk on. With my stick in my hand, a ten pound bag on my back and very low self-esteem day in day out to that college. I did it.

I even completed my first two assignments on the due dates. How about that?

There is no denying I am determined. I know that, because this pain does not speak for itself. I knew it would be hard. I mean is anything in life easy?

With the next coming weeks I am nervous. I have a long few days in London which includes a hospital stay. It will be the first time in fourteen years I have stayed in a hospital. Naturally I am trying to keep myself occupied, however you can probably infer how that is going..

My plan is to work on projects, vlog and watch television series (I have the box-set Sherlock on my radar right now as well as Good Omens). I will, annoyingly and most, probably be stuck in a shielded room for twenty-four hours. Which means I will not be able to leave the hospital. As long the problem we have been trying to figure out gets sorted, I will be slightly rested.

So I will leave you on my last note for now.

I do not believe in paranormal or supernatural, however I do believe that people will only see what they want to see. They will not listen to they cries or screams that people have let out. They will mute it out and ignore them. I am one to believe this has to stop. As a person with numerous issues I am one to say we can keep shouting to express what we need is right, but can you keep up your facade for long enough?

Molly-Tastic Treves