Life is Exhausting

I thought I start off with that particular phrase, because lets face it "life is exhausting".

My experience with the world has not been anything to brag about. I feel like when people say the words "everything happens for a reason." they have never lived a hard life. I have heard it so much in my lifetime, especially from medical professionals. Like I do not think that my incurable disease is a "sign from the universe". It means my body is slowly deteriorating.

Recently I have been struggling to be myself. I am nineteen years old and I do not feel like most people should. I wish I could brag about the things I have in life but most of those things are chronic illnesses so I do not think that is appropriate.

My identity has been something that has been a massive question mark my entire life. From a young age people have dictated what I do.

"Don't touch that you'll get sick!"

"You have a fever you need to go to A&E."

"You need to try more medication because the testing wasn't conclusive enough."

"You will never get better from this illness."

I never really got the freedom most kids did, because I was too busy surviving. My brain was trying to protect myself so much that it was trying to shield me from more trauma. I barely remember my childhood because of all the nonsense that overtook in those years. Heavy bullying, medical trauma, more bullying, more medical trauma and then coming out. That last one came with its own heap of issues I did not prepare for. Ignorance is bliss so they say.

Most people think I am happy and positive about my life. That because what I post online must mean I have a good life. If only that was true.

For ages I feel like my brain has been depleted of personality or serotonin. No amount of screaming, crying or talking is actually helping. I feel extremely frustrated that I am trapped inside a body that clearly does not want to exist. It is a shell of a person I used to be.

It might sound harsh but my internal organs has tried killing me so many times now I have lost count! I had a tally chart and I hold my hands up I am losing here. And I try taking myself to appointments but the doctors seem just as stumped as me. Like how am I supposed to get better when life is getting worse?

Not only that, but a combination of different traumatic events that have happened recently have not helped the old powerhouse. It has exacerbated it to the point my sleep is awful and I barely speak most days. I do not really give myself any credit for getting through those events, because I was trying to survive again.

Trauma is something I have discussed numerous times before, and it is something I still struggle with. Most people think that trauma can be "healed" and you will feel better with a bit of therapy and medication. While I wish that was true, it is not the case. Well for me anyway.

My trauma is like a constant bugging sensation that never leaves my body. My brain shuts down whenever I go to doctors appointments in London. I cannot enjoy loud and stimulating environments because it reminds me of when I was abused. I hate the smell of bleach and the sound of beeping because it takes me back to my days as a patient. Even now I still feel anxious going into college even after three years. Even more so since recently.

I have been an openly "out" lesbian for nearly three years, and while I am happy I came out I feel so trapped. I have had people make fun of my sexuality, talk about how gross it is and even got hate crimed when I was walking into college. I remember every comment people make, how it makes me feel so unsafe and uncomfortable. I physically remember how I felt when three men came up to me calling me the F slur and other derogatory comments outside the doors to college. I have never felt less safe in my entire life, than I do right now. I do not feel like I can accept who I am because the world has made it obvious it does not like me.

Sometimes I wish I had never come out, because I honestly think it was so much easier living a pretend life. The Pet Shop Boys were right "it's a sin".

My rights are a topic for discussion like it is some sort of trivia knowledge. Religion dictates I am going to hell because of something I cannot control, and people with opinions do not like I am raising awareness of the stigma surrounding the LGBTQ+ community. I am a disabled women who happens to like other women and for some reason I am a target for people to play with. My identity can get me killed all over the world.

Even still I get casual ablelism at college and at hospitals. I have people come up to me saying "I will get better" because I am in a wheelchair. I have been stared at for using a wheelchair space on a train. I have been told I am "faking my symptoms and I just need to get mental help." and "I am not really deaf because I wear hearing aids.". Even when I am using my wheelchair people have tried using my mobility aids or saying "I should do a wheelie.". It makes me feel so claustrophobic and annoyed, because lets face it if I took someones phone without their permission I would get told off. But because it happens to a disabled person it gets brushed under the carpet.

So you can imagine what goes through my brain when I go outside daily.

Trauma is such a complex entanglement of emotions and memories and when you live through it constantly it becomes exhausting. My existence is something people laugh at or question and I do not find it funny. I never relax and I honestly do not feel comfortable with my existence most days.

I often get asked why am I so involved with human rights or LGBTQ+ projects. There is one main reason:

Because no one else is standing up for me, so I have to do it myself.

I am tired of explaining myself to people over and over. Waiting for their possible answers that may verge on discrimination or positivity. My body is telling me I need to stop running a race I will not win, but I can't. Because if I do not win, I will be in the same place my 8 year-old self was.

Suicidal, alone and desperately trying to figure out why people hate them so much.

I want to be able to hold myself up high and relish in life and what it has to offer. However I also know I need to look after myself. Which is something I never thought I would say.

My body and brain is different from the other 7 billion people on this planet, and I need space to breathe for a bit. I have been pushing myself so much I have lost who I am in the process. I thought having good grades would help me achieve my dream of getting into university. While it did, it has left me drained and in so much pain. I pushed myself because I thought meeting everyone else's expectations of who I am would be the best option for me.

It made me lose a part of myself I barely remember. The part that is uniquely me.

I have compromised who I am and who I want to be in order to be successful. Why you ask? Because so many people have told me I would not amount to anything in life. I would not get a job, or pass my diploma or have any friends. So I pushed myself. I worked my ass off in my work experience to get well over the hours needed to pass my year. I wrote detailed essays for three years and passed my exams with flying colours. I even made friends in the process.

But I am not me.

I am burnt out, exhausted and miss a part of me that I do not remember having. I have been trying to prioritise what other people think of me, rather than what I want. Sure I love my studies and what I do, but when you burn yourself out for the sake of your future career it is no picnic. I do not know how to escape this, but I know I do not want to be in this hell hole anymore.

People have warned me about this. However when you are so far gone in the process it is hard to see a way out. It is hard to pick out bits of you that you like, when you absolutely hate your body.

You want it all to end and have a moments peace. You want to be comfortable enough to express yourself, without feeling like you will be hate crimed in process. You want to love others the way they love you. You want to express your opinions without being talked down to.

You want to be you.

I have neglected myself so much over my life. I have missed out on so much, not by choice, and now I am trying to reconnect with myself on how to heal. Because a smile hides the world of pain you are living in. And I have done that way to much recently.

So do me a favour check in with yourself every-now-and-again. Sometimes what you are doing is not necessarily what you want to do. And that is okay. Ignoring it is when it becomes a problem.

Molly-Tastic Treves