Restless Head

So College is done for the year and now everyone gets to relax.

Well, almost everyone..

I am nowhere near relaxed.

I mean my way of relaxing is having an existential crisis every five minutes, and then promptly remembering I have food in the oven.

My way of relaxing is not relaxing.

It is more paranoia and anxiety, with no end goal.

A constant motor on in the background, and it is not turning off.

Which does not make any sense to a lot of people, except me.

Me and my brain have been acquainted for quite some time, so I know its quirks better than my therapist most days.

And every so often it does stuff that I do not understand.

It is like having another person in my head.

Except that person is constantly eating too much Haribos and then crashing from the sugar overload two minutes later.

It is a constant fear that I need to be doing something every five minutes, because college took up my entire year for so long that it feels weird not to have anything to do.

My brain is just restless.

I am restless to the point of exhaustion.

I know it is not right, because people relax right?

People take up hobbies and have free time to do whatever they want.

Me? Well I wake up, do something for ten minutes, get fatigued and then get angry because I don't have energy to do anything.

Some days when I do have energy I feel the need to do stuff, but have no motivation or idea what to do.

I feel the need to constantly stimulate my Lizard brain, to the point it have no time to relax "properly".

Even when I mention this to people they say things like "Oh you just need to sit down and chill".

That is the problem.

Sitting down makes my brain think "Ohhh! We need to fill in assignment work!" or "OH MY GOD!! We need to do something stimulating!!!". This then leads me to doing something and my brain goes "Ehhh BOREEEDDD NOW.".

It is very fun.

Not.

To focus on stuff I need to listen to music otherwise my focus lacks massively and my brain makes its own noise.

To relax I need to be in an environment that I know and can control to make me feel comfortable. Otherwise I get tetchy and annoyed.

Normal people don't feel like this do they?

No I didn't think so.

I suppose living inside this head for so long you just assume that it is normal.

When it is clearly not normal.

And while people can tell me to relax and chill, there is no real way for me to do that.

Well I can relax but in a bizarre way.

For example: I listen to music and completely shut off the world, so much so I do not notice people around me. It is handy on public transport, but not so much when your mum is trying to talk to you....

I daydream my own little realities and make my own stories in my head and in books. So I suppose there are ways I relax, but I would not put as a "trendy hobby". More like "possibly concerning and unusual".

However, there is one thing that constantly sticks out to me.

How am I "supposed" to relax?

Like there is no manual.

There is no guide or leaflet to "relax" easily.

Some people like going to the spa for a massage.

The idea of being plastered in oil and touched by a stranger makes me recoil, just no.

Some people like going for a walk.

I can barely walk as it is, walking in neighborhood is like a open invite for looking at terrible views.

Some people like going to yoga classes.

My joints are flexible my mind is not. Absolutely no chance.

Some people like going out for a meal.

Ah yes the art of going to a restaurant I do not know and ordering something I have never tried before. No I will stick to the same Chinese order I have had for five years thanks.

You can tell I would make a great date wouldn't I?

God even looking at that list I see how bad this is.

I am laughing on the inside, very deep down.

The thing is that I may not be able to "relax" like your average Joe or Martha, but I do it in my own way.

I speed read books in a day because I like to be constantly focused.

I binge watch TV shows because they keep me entertained and focused.

I listen to a variety of different music genres because it keeps my brain happy.

I do art occasionally because I like making something to be proud of.

I do things that may seem odd or weird, but I get pleasure or happiness out of them. That is just how my Lizard brain works.

It is odd.

And especially after this last year, I have had to adapt to the world around me. Look at accessibility features, buy more books that interest me and drown out the world with Bo Burnham. That is just how my brain works.

I think it is how a lot of people's brains work.

And it is fun to just to have small and little things that keep you happy.

Like little collections that started for no apparent reason.

Or odd dances you do because it makes you happy.

Or a room full of plants because Magnolia is boring without colour.

And even watching shows over and over again because you love it so much, and don't like new things.

Why should we say those things are not normal?

They are our normal.

And there is no harm in doing it.

My way of relaxing is semi-relaxing to me. Sure it may seem strange that I am not on a sun lounger and soaking in some rays. But I would rather be in a bundle of blankets re-reading a book I love than fake feeling relaxed.

It is weird, but I enjoy it in some ways.

Enjoy your weird ways of relaxing, because hell knows what "normal" actually means.

Molly-Tastic Treves